I’ve said it before and now I’ll say it again, I am a planner. I set plans for the future in my mind and they are beautiful. I look forward to them with excitement.
The thing is, my plans rarely seem to line up with God’s plans for me.
I had this beautiful vision of the future in my mind. I would finish my interior decorating diploma this year then start work at the hospital again on a casual basis after summer. My children would, not many years after this be in school full time and I would have more time to devote to decorating, DIY, a clean home, and gourmet dinners. It was a really nice plan. I was looking forward to it.
But here comes the game changer. I’m pregnant again. I really, really did not mean to be pregnant again. I was done, done, done at two. But here I am, six weeks pregnant, expecting late April.
All of a sudden our three bedroom townhouse doesn’t seem like it will comfortably last us for the forever I was hoping. We need to trade in our car for a van. I will be giving birth in the Spring rather than completing my diploma. I will lapse five years of not nursing and will have to do retraining, and it seems less likely I will ever go back to this form of work.
We all experience different challenges in life accompanied by different forms of grief. For so many lovely women their challenge is getting pregnant, their grief the babies they never get to hold. Right now, for me, the challenge is adjusting to this new reality, the grief is letting go of all my “well laid” plans. As my dear friend noted, the root of the challenge is the same, we are not getting what we wanted.
I am not happy. I have shed many, many tears, but I am resigned and I am adjusting to a new vision for the future. I hold onto the fact that no matter how much this is not what I wanted for my life, it is what God has planned for me. And I know that once this baby is in my arms I will love it just as fiercely and whole heartily as I love Charlie and Sofia.
And in the end, as I always find when my plans go awry, God’s plan for me will turn out to be better than expected.