Do you believe in dreams?
I have made my distress over this pregnancy very clear to those around me, and to you, dear blog readers. As a result I have had a host of women praying for me.
A week and a half ago I had a dream. Actually, it was more a picture in my head than a dream. It was of me holding a baby girl. I didn’t remember the dream until later in the day at which point I felt struck with a certainty that I am having a girl. The next day I also had a name come to mind which we had not previously considered along with a feeling that this baby girl is going to be special. Not necessarily save the world kinda special, but very special to our family. By nature I am an uncertain person but all of a sudden I was very certain about three things: Girl. Anna. Special.
(FYI, despite how Sofia likes to pronounce it, not “Anna” like in Frozen)
None of this was really very remarkable but the change that it made in my heart was. As these certainties seeded in my heart I went from despising the baby growing in my belly and praying for a miscarriage (terrible but true) to being more enamored with this baby, at only ten weeks, than I was with either of my greatly anticipated planned(ish) children. The baby no longer feels like a little demon beast whose goal it is to make me miserable, but rather a precious baby girl.
This change in heart has gradually lifted me out of my depression. I suppose it is no surprise given the physical ailments associated with depression, that since my spirits have lifted I have also had more energy and less headaches and nausea. I’m still tired and nauseated most of the day (my children think it’s a fun game to imitate my dry heaving in the morning), but it is more manageable, for which I am thankful.
I can’t promise an outpouring of blogging but as time and energy allow I’ll be getting back into it. Thank you everyone who has been keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.