Growing up, I never felt like I truly excelled at anything I did. I was pretty good at a few things, like academics, but I didn’t excel. I was surround by those who did excel, or at least who made themselves known through their boisterous personalities. As siblings are apt do to, I compared myself with my brother and sister. My sister was a track star, a leader among her peers, and a “A” student. My brother was an amazing basketball player and later became an extraordinary guitar player. But what did I excel at? Sports? Certainly not. Music? I was mediocre at best. Academics. I did well, but not as well as others.
I have spent my whole life comparing myself to others and feeling sub par. What I have also only lately admitted out loud is that I still compare myself, to my siblings in particular, and feel myself coming up short. They are known for what they do. My sister is a super chic fashionista as well as an incredibly talented writer. She writes on her popular blog and is also asked to write articles for other big online publications. My brother is an influential pastor, a super smart guy, and the author of three books. I love them half to death and I am proud of who they are, of what they do, and that it is acknowledged by others. It feels too exposing to call myself jealous, but I think that is the word it comes down to.
The problem you see, is that I want to be famous too (yes Michelle and Chris, you are pretty much famous in my eyes). It is such a declaration of vanity to say those words out loud but in my silly little heart I have always wanted to be of note. Through my teenage years and into my early twenties my hoped for notoriety was viewed as a future of working as a nurse with a missions agency and following in the great footsteps of those missionaries whose stories I had spent years pouring over. And now, as a blogger and a decorator…can you guess? Stats through the roof! A feature in a design magazine! A list of people who want to hire little ol’ me!
It is incredibly embarrassing to write these things, these (previously) secret thoughts, but this blog is how I unfold my personal baggage, and I believe in transparency. I don’t think that these desires are bad, but they do bring up bad feelings in me, because they are unmet desires which tie in with a life long feeling of never having excelled.
I love to write on this blog. I love to decorate. But I’m going to ruin it for myself if I pile up unrealistic expectations about what it means to be successful. I think it is time to start putting aside my inane need to be “famous” and switch my focus to doing these things because I enjoy them. I am not a decorator or a blogger foremost in my life. Foremost, I am a mother of three beautiful children, a wife of an amazing man, and a child of a great God. And I know that to these most important individuals, my excelling in life has nothing to do with stats.
So I’m going to keep blogging my little head off because I enjoy it. I’m going to keep developing a small decorating business because it’s fun. But I’m also going to try to see my success through a different, more forgiving lens.