I wasn’t completely honest in my post yesterday. I do in fact know one of the reasons I am feeling low right now. My heart is heavy because I am not pregnant with a baby that I was actively trying not to have. Say what? Maybe it is hormones or maybe it is the pure sweetness Anna brings into my life (along with her siblings requests for another, smaller baby), but I am going through a bit of a “I want another baby, what’s a fourth, why not” kind of delirium right now.
I experienced something like this when Sofia was around six months old but held off getting kinda accidentally pregnant with Charlie until she was 13 months. I had no such whimsies after Charlie. He was the worst. Seriously. The. Worst. I love the little man he became but he basically cried for the first year of his life. He had, so I thought, cured me of ever wanting another baby. And, as you have heard, after the initial shock and dismay of finding out I was really, completely, not at all on purpose pregnant with Anna, I fell in love with her. What I may not have told you is that I have basically had baby fever since Anna was born. Ahem, I’m sure it had nothing to do with watching “Call the Midwife” when she was an infant.
How do people make these decisions? I know that many people struggle to get pregnant so this “how many babies should I have” question is replaced with the heart wrenching question, “why can’t I please just have one?”. But for me, my husband seems to spontaneously impregnate me with a mere look so the questions is, when should we stop?
My husband is very good at dialoging with me about this question. Poor man has had a lot of practice in the past year.
H: Maybe we don’t have enough money to have a fourth?
S: Deciding to have a a baby shouldn’t have to do with finances.
H: Maybe we don’t have enough space in our small three bedroom for a fourth?
S: People have been fitting larger families into smaller spaces for thousands of years.
H: I think that some of our family would disapprove of the decision to have a fourth.
S: It’s not any of their business.
H: Maybe I would go insane?
S: That is a valid point.
H: But maybe we should get pregnant right now okay?
S: Maybe not just yet Heather.
So where are we at? Well, what Steve said, “maybe not just yet”. Or what I seem to be looking for with hopeful eyes on a monthly basis, another wonderful accident.