Tag Archives: family planning

Oh Baby.

I wasn’t completely honest in my post yesterday. I do in fact know one of the reasons I am feeling low right now. My heart is heavy because I am not pregnant with a baby that I was actively trying not to have. Say what? Maybe it is hormones or maybe it is the pure sweetness Anna brings into my life (along with her siblings requests for another, smaller baby), but I am going through a bit of a “I want another baby, what’s a fourth, why not” kind of delirium right now.

I experienced something like this when Sofia was around six months old but held off getting kinda accidentally pregnant with Charlie until she was 13 months. I had no such whimsies after Charlie. He was the worst. Seriously. The. Worst. I love the little man he became but he basically cried for the first year of his life. He had, so I thought, cured me of ever wanting another baby. And, as you have heard, after the initial shock and dismay of finding out I was really, completely, not at all on purpose pregnant with Anna, I fell in love with her. What I may not have told you is that I have basically had baby fever since Anna was born. Ahem, I’m sure it had nothing to do with watching “Call the Midwife” when she was an infant.

How do people make these decisions? I know that many people struggle to get pregnant so this “how many babies should I have” question is replaced with the  heart wrenching question, “why can’t I please just have one?”. But for me, my husband seems to spontaneously impregnate me with a mere look so the questions is, when should we stop?

My husband is very good at dialoging with me about this question. Poor man has had a lot of practice in the past year.

H: Maybe we don’t have enough money to have a fourth?

S: Deciding to have a a baby shouldn’t have to do with finances.

H: Maybe we don’t have enough space in our small three bedroom for a fourth?

S: People have been fitting larger families into smaller spaces for thousands of years.

H: I think that some of our family would disapprove of the decision to have a fourth.

S: It’s not any of their business.

H: Maybe I would go insane?

S: That is a valid point.

H: But maybe we should get pregnant right now okay?

S: Maybe not just yet Heather.

So where are we at? Well, what Steve said, “maybe not just yet”. Or what I seem to be looking for with hopeful eyes on a monthly basis, another wonderful accident.

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Filed under From the Heart: Thoughts on Life and Family, Uncategorized

You Rocked My World Baby Girl

When I found out I was pregnant with Anna I was devastated and sunk into a deep depression for several weeks. With a grateful heart I think back to the day God gave me a dream of myself holding a baby girl, and with that dream a certainty that I was pregnant with a girl and her name would be Anna. I was grateful then because this knowledge drew me up out of my depression and gave me an excitement about the life growing inside of me. I am thankful now because Anna’s birth and presence in my life has rocked my whole world.

Growing up I was never the girl who couldn’t wait to have children. I just figured it was something that would “happen to me” after I got married and due to a lot of experience babysitting, the idea simply seemed tiring. Truthfully, we got pregnant with Sofia so that I could get a break from my stressful work situation. We had Charlie because two was the number we had planned on.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my children, but over the years since becoming a mother, I have struggled with a desire for more (not more kids FYI). In my head I was always thinking of what came next after this tiring, trying, stage of infancy and toddlerhood: going back to nursing, beginning a career in interior design, sleeping….Instead of enjoying the stage of life I was in, I was dreaming it away and letting discontent affect my interactions with my children. My sense of entitlement (to my own space, to my own career, to my own dreams) resulted in less than favorable attitudes towards my children at times.

But like I said, having Anna has rocked my world and I can see it as nothing other than a giant, God initiated change of heart. Anna is the sweetest baby you could ever meet (God knew what I could handle!). Her presence in our family has softened me, but also my children. Their sweetness towards her, and delight in her, helps to remind me that my two older children have potential for great kindness (a reminder I need when they are screaming at each other). Both Sofia and Charlie take great pride in the responsibilities I give them in regard to Anna: “Sofia, please take away the toy Anna has, it’s too small” or “Charlie, protect Anna (in her stroller) from bad guys while mommy is in the toilet stall”. Having Anna in our family has given many opportunities for praising Sofia and Charlie which are affirming to them and encouraging to me.

At a deeper heart level, having Anna has helped to bring focus and purpose to my life. Instead of spending my time dreaming about the future, I am spending more time being present with, and delighted by my children whilst enjoying the crazy fun they bring to my life. I still struggle at times with a sense of entitlement to “self” but I am aware of it and praying through it. Becoming pregnant with Anna blew all my plans out of the water but since having her I have been holding much more loosely to my own plans and approaching life with more of a hands open, God knows best attitude.

Does Anna sleep well? No. Am I tired? Yes. Do I sometimes lose my cool with my children? Yes. But my heart is thankful and I have been finding a contentedness in this stage of life that I did not think possible. As has been the theme in my life, it is better than expected. So much better.

Might a fourth make it even sweeter? If God gives and poor planning prevails 🙂 My heart is open.

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Filed under At home, From the Heart: Thoughts on Life and Family, General, Uncategorized

This and That

I promised myself when I started blogging that I would never blog just for the sake of putting out a blog post. The temptation was there when I started but it takes blogging from pleasurable to stressful so I’ve abstained from this pit fall. Hence, you haven’t heard much from me since I found out I was pregnant in September. My favorite times for blogging were nap time and after the kid’s bedtime and though I have written many fine blog posts in my mind, they have all stayed there, followed by much needed naps and early bedtimes.

I am currently 23 weeks pregnant and still rather low on energy but as I mentally prepare for my interior decor classes to start up (I took off last semester), I feel myself being drawn back towards blogging, though time will tell how fruitful my fingers are on the keyboard. I am starting this year eager to do some design work for a friend and itching to show you what I have been up to in my two upstairs bathrooms.

I took my husband’s time at home over Christmas break to work on the last room in our house to remain untouched- the kid’s bathroom, and I finally finished off our master bath with a new quartz counter top (Happy Birthday/ Merry Christmas to me). I can’t wait to share some pictures but I’m still waiting for the last step: moving over the light fixtures. Currently they both look like this:

2014-12-30 09.17.13

Master Bathroom

Isn’t that light fixture gorgeous? I’ll have much better pictures when it’s all done. If I was more computer savvy I would photo shop it to move the light over and get on with my post…but I’m not. I’ve been trying to get an electrician in since September but it still hasn’t happened, partly due to poor planning on my part. This brings me to my New Years Resolutions. They’re pretty simple really:

1.) get an electrician

2.) make it to the hospital on time to get an epidural

and (most importantly),

3.) make sure I never get pregnant again.

Okay, maybe number two and three aren’t entirely within my control, but I’ll do my best.

Happy New Year!

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Filed under At home, From the Heart: Thoughts on Life and Family