My family has been going through a very difficult time during the last couple of weeks. Though the current heartache is a burden my whole family bears, the cause of it is not my secret to share with you, so I won’t go into details.
When my husband broke the news to me my first words were, “I”m going to be strong.” Because I’m not. I fall apart in these situations. And I was strong, for days. And I took pride in this strength, though like a good Christian girl I told my husband, “God is giving me lots of strength”.
As it turns out, I am not strong, though God does continue to carry me. The wear and tear of trying to be “strong” has left me overwhelmed and depressed. My form of being strong was hitting the situation head on whilst emotionally avoiding the reality. Now that the most emergent phase of the situation has passed I am less busy and have more time to feel. After all, you can only go on pretending that a situation doesn’t break your heart for so long before you have to face reality and let the tears flow. Sometimes a period of depression is suited to the situation.
I obviously don’t like feeling so low, and I know it is hard on my husband. I don’t feel hope for the future though I know, by God’s grace, it exists. I don’t feel strong anymore, like I did before, but I know I am still being strengthened. Maybe the most real act of strength is letting God carry you in weakness.
I’m going to let myself be sad now in the knowledge that this feeling won’t last forever. There is always hope. For me, and for my family.