I’ve been feeling weary lately. Partly from having spent four days painting and stenciling my kitchen and adjoining room last week and partly from motherhood. I see a reflection of my own weariness in the face of most every mother I come in contact with. Not that they don’t love their children and enjoy mothering them, but it is tiring for all of us.
Yesterday at my mom’s house I lay in bed praying that the antsy little girl beside me and the screaming little boy in the attached room would fall asleep so that I could have a rest myself. They did, and as I lay quietly next to that little girl, I day dreamed of running away from them. I’m not afraid to admit that the thought crosses my mind from time to time because I know I never would, and I know that I am not alone in such thoughts.
I thought about jumping into my car and driving far far away, to a beach near crisp clear water, surrounded by trees, where I could embrace peace and quiet and perhaps an extra portion of happiness. I dreamed of lying on said beach in complete silence with no one demanding my attention. And even in this dream, my heart ached.
The thing is, I can’t live without them. They are embedded so thoroughly into my heart that in such a scenario there would be no peace to be found, no happiness to clasp onto. They need me and I need them too. They keep me going on the bad days, force me to get out of bed and enter into the world of the living. My children help me to live life more fully. Yes, I am bone weary at times, but my interaction with them, the process of giving love and being loved in return, is nourishing to my soul. I am weary but I am thankful.
and perhaps one quiet day at the beach is not too much to ask for 🙂
This past weekend I had the rare opportunity to pretty up and go out to a movie with a couple of other moms (no kids!). I came into this evening in a seriously grumpy mood. Over the past week my son had been teething with a vengeance and my daughter had been acting very…well…twoish. Added to this was the frequent absence of my hubby as he enjoyed some amateur radio classes. I was feeling exhausted and acting less than loving and patient towards my family.
Thankfully, this movie night was refreshing in more ways than one. While adult conversation was desperately needed (my husband said by Friday night I was flinching at the sound of my daughter’s voice), I think that the underlying message of the movie was equally necessary for me. If you didn’t figure it out from the title of this post, the movie I saw was “About Time” and as they say: I laughed, I cried, it moved me.
I won’t go into the premise of the movie (I swear, it is much better than its description), but rather focus on the end message which is approximately this: take the time to enjoy each moment as it happens. Enjoy the subtle nuances of life. Look for the beauty in small, simple, everyday moments.
Had I been living life like this over the past, rather challenging, week with my children? Ummm…no. Maybe it would not have felt like such a shit show (excuse my language!) if I had. Like all good lessons I’m sure this one will eventually fade into the abyss of my mind but in the present I am trying to take to heart this kind of attitude: to let my heart swim with joy at the beaming smiles my son sends me between teething fits; to relish the light in my daughter’s eyes as we share a joke (even if it is about “stinky toots”); to store in my mind the looks of commiseration my husband and I pass over our children’s behavior, so that I can think back and laugh; to memorize the feel of his arm pressed against mine when we finally fall into bed, two tired heaps.
These are the everyday little moments that make my life beautiful. If I choose to ignore their beauty I am basically choosing to give my emotions over to the shifting moods of my children. It is my reaction to their moods and behaviors which dictates the tone of our day. They are children, they have not developed full (if any) emotional regulation yet. It is my job to guide them through these fits and starts with patience and love. How will I find patience and love within myself when I am worn thin by their whining? A.) I will pray. B.) I will look for the simple, profound, moments of beauty which they bring to my life, even on the bad days. C.) I will let myself fill up with a thankfulness which spills out in the form of loving patience.
I can’t go back in time and change the times when I have been impatient and unloving towards my family, and lets be honest, that would get complicated. However, I can strive to love them better in the future by appreciating all the everyday beauty they bring into my life.