It has been a bit of a strange summer, and not only because of the weird Vancouver weather. I have found my emotions to be all over the map and my mood to fluctuate from high to low at a moments notice. I’m still breast feeding Anna so I’d like to blame part of this emotional roller coaster ride on hormones but who really knows. I’ve been pregnant or breastfeeding for the past 6 + years so I’m not even sure what it feels like to experience emotions without weird hormonal interference. I wasn’t properly medicated for my OCD before having kids so I imagine that mental health plus hormonal balance will be quite blissful…
I spent much of the month of July battling anxiety about our annual August camping trip. It was our first time with all of us in the tent together and the longest camping trip we have thus far ventured to undertake as a family. FYI, it was fantastic. We ended up with a baby in bed with us every night but none-the-less we slept fairly well and had a great time playing at the beach and tramping through the woods every day.
My mood has continued to be all over the map this past month but I’ve found some previously missing motivation and a new flow of creative juices as I help my mom plan a kitchen revamp and work on sewing and craft projects for my nieces’ bedroom. I need something other than entertaining kidlets to find fulfillment in my week and these projects hit the mark.
Now that September is here my emotions are rolling for a different reason. My baby girl is entering kindergarten. I am simultaneously filled with relief, anxiety, and grief. Relief, because she has always been…ahem…spirited, and her interactions with her brother are intolerable. Anxiety, because I worry about what she will be taught, how the other kids will treat her, and if being blabbed at in French is going to make my super smart little girl feel frustrated and stupid. Grief, because it means that my baby girl is no longer a baby.
Because of her less than stellar behavior in regards to her brother, I often loose site of how extraordinary my Sofia is, but she really is something else. The way she lights up when she gets a new idea, the way she gets lovey eyes and wraps her arms around Steve or I to tell us she loves us, the way she still cuddles up close during story time, the way she looks after her baby sister and seeks to entertain her…It is surprising, even to myself, that I could go on and on about her attributes. I am going to miss our afternoon quiet times reading in bed together and her spirited suggestions for activities. I am going to worry about what she is being taught at school and how it might influence her decisions in life. I am going to be filled with joy when she thrives and sadness when she experiences disappointment and rejection.
Sending her to kindergarten is a big change for all of us and I know that it is normal to feel all these things. The thing about this anxiety is that I have to try my best to mask it with excitement so as to not rub it off on her. I’m sure she is experiencing plenty of uncertainty of her own.
Oh my baby girl. I love you. You will thrive. You are covered in prayers. May blessings follow you as you start this new adventure.